Judge Roy Moore’s love of the Ten Commandments is well documented. Many of a different theological mindset (not to mention those blasphemers amongst the ACLU) have argued against the good judge’s righteous interpretation. However, archeologists recently located his treasured court house fixture and uncovered what arguably might better explain his unwavering, inerrant devotion to the sacred Word of God ordained on those stone tablets, so long ago, i.e. the flip side. Evidently, the Lord Almighty hisself hath giveth Brother Moore an exception or two … or ten. Moses be damned! Indelibly chiseled on the back of his Put-it-up!-Take-it-down!-Put-it-up!-Take-it-down! treasure, are the real and true and never-to-be-questioned Ten Commandments, as divinely spoketh to the good Judge Roy by the Lord:
1. Thou shalt have no other gods before Me.*
* Except a Gun. Three letters, both starting with a capital “G.” All’s Good.
2. Thou shalt not make unto thee any graven image.*
* Unless it’s an American Idol and she’s performing at the town mall. She’ll surely raise the deadest right on up from his grave.
3. Thou shalt not take the name of the Lord thy God in vain.*
* Cheering for a particular college football team is allowed, e.g. “GOOD GOD, SABAN!!” God understands. God cheers, “Roll Tide!” too. (Exception does not apply to Tiger fans.)
4. Remember the sabbath day to keep it holy.*
* Ignore when you need to schedule campaign events agains the Antichrist, aka Doug Jones.
5. Honor thy father and thy mother.*
* No exceptions. Not even verbal, emotional, physical, sexual abuse. Father knows best. Always. Amen.
6. Thou shalt not kill.*
* A fetus. Anything else, go for it. Homosexuals, rapists, murderers, Muslims, those pesky black folk…
7. Thou shalt not commit adultery.*
* It ain’t adultery if they’re underage.
8. Thou shalt not steal.*
* Anything but votes. Stealing votes is A-OK. However you can do it, do it.
9. Thou shalt not bear false witness against thy neighbor.*
* See “Antichrist” in Commandment 4. Doug Jones does not live in your neighborhood. He’s a Muslim born in Kenya. They all are.
10. Thou shalt not covet anything that is thy neighbor’s.*
* You may covet the Golden Fleece of the 45th President of the United States. Your neighbors, nor your god, will mind.